New Hair...New Year...New Life Without Him Here With Me!

I'm starting to heal, slowly but surely. I decided to get a new haircut, not that a new hairdo makes everything better, we know that's not what it's about. The new hairdo helps me feel better about myself. Helps me to start taking care of myself. I spent the last 10 months taking care of Eric while he was ill and now taking care of the estate since his passing. That has not allowed me to take care of myself. Simple things like; nails, hair, massages, my knee, now that's another blog.

I used to do those things regularly, but since COVID put those activities on hold I've 'slipped' a bit. And then Eric was diagnosed, which made the focus to be on his health and doing all we can to get him better. It was not on me, which is completely normal when someone in the family is dealing with a terminal illness.

I'm preparing for the next chapter, the next adventure and the next experiences in my life. The haircut is just the start. There are so many things I have to get through first. I have to get through the 7 steps of grief and then plan to honor my husband's legacy, which is mine as well, in the future. I'm excited what that could become and also saddened that he is not physically here to participate and see it.

The past 19 years, I've relied on Eric for many things. I've always felt and knew I was protected and safe with him here. Now that he's not here physically, I'm going to have to apply what I've learned from him in all things. Now, I have some skills of my own, that said, I understand that I have been provided some lessons with our lives together.

I'm building new relationships and cultivating them. Relationships that will align with the mission and the chapter ahead. Reinventing myself from a new haircut, new attitude and mission. Eric is always in mind as I do this. He will never be out of my mind. I'm not sure if I would consider it a "new" life or maybe just the next chapter. A chapter the will encompass new adventures with a combination of the past. I certainly do not want to live in the past, but I don't want to forget it. I want to embrace it and allow the learnings from it to help guide me as I learn new things as well.

I'll never forget Eric, never. He will always be a part of me, with me and speaking to me as I take on the next chapter. The next chapter that will include him in everything that I do. Being a widow, wow I actually wrote that, I feel that it's not the same as being single. There's an element, a presence of the husband that was there and is no longer. I can't explain it. I'll never feel 'single' per se. I'm always a married women who's husband has transitioned. Technically, once someone is widowed they are no longer married, legally. But for me, I will always be Mrs. Deborah Davis Davis-DeWitt. I don't know if that will hinder anything in the future, but my future includes Eric and his name.

His presence is with me everywhere I go. We speak everyday and sometimes I can hear him being a little stern regarding some things like: "You didn't put on the alarm system?" and " Why is the car uncovered?" Lastly, "Are you still sleeping on the sofa?" "It's going to get ruined." We have had those conversations as well as loving and inspiring ones together, and we will have more in the next chapter of my life without him.